i have been away for so long and though i thought of coming back i was sucked into the world of facebook and myspace. i love those communities and application for what they are worth, but i am still longing for meaningful connections and like minded individuals. it seems as if no matter how hard i look, i just seem to keep missing them. when i do occasionally find them the connection doesn't seem to be very clear and we end up getting disconnected.

is gaia still true to the original intent of zaadz? i guess i will have to find out.

I hope you will forgive me for not being a regular here at zaadz, it's not intentional to avoid such a wonderful space and community. I think it's a bit of a shyness about what spending a large portion of my time here might inspire out of me. The idea that I might be called to be a far greater person than I have so far been, or could imagine being, is just a bit overwhelming at times. I mean do we have the capacity to save the world? Do we even have the capacity to simple save ourselves?

I admit that I was extremely excited when I first learned about Zaadz. I mean come on, here were a group of people that were determined to change the world. How? Well I am still not quite sure I understand how they plan on doing that. I know there was an essay that I read when I joined to explained basically the idea behind Zaadz and how it would eventually grow to become a .......well a power to be reckoned with.

Did I spell reckon right?

Zaadz quickly lost it's newness and excitment. I am not sure why, and when I think about it, maybe it was me who lost the spark.

Do I still want to change the world or have I given up?

I mean I can't even get my finances in order and hell, it'll be ten years or more before I pay off that student loan I acquired trying to become a succesful violinist. I never got my degree in performance. I received a minor in performance but my major is in music management and even though I work in my feild I feel a bit stuck. Stuck? Yes, Stuck!

I have to work a part time job just to have some type of income.

I want to be excited about life, love, and work.

Should I start with my thoughts or with my reality?

2007 is off to a start.

I can't label it as good or bad, but it's definitely started. I mean how could it not?
I have faced my fear of rejection several times now, and It gets easier every time.
I did not end 2006 in the manner that I began it. It's my desire and my wish that I can be more assertive when it comes to my life. Especially intimacy and dating. I have actively started dating (shady style) and putting myself out there to be tasted.

I admit I took the non-traditional route by signing up for online gay hookup sites.

I'm not sure whether that was the best way to take the step, but it was the best way for me given my own hangups about meeting other people like me.

So I finally convinced myself to tackle a Ken Wilber book.
Today I purchased, " A Theory of Everything".
Wish me luck!

The spiritual life is something I still don't understand. I mean what does it mean to be spiritual? I am a very material person and not in a negative sense, but I love the idea of having nice homes, vehicles, clothes, and aesthetically pleasing surroundings.

I don't want to live in poverty, or forgo the pleasures of life in order to find God.
Give up sex?
I haven't even had enough sex to give it up yet!

Lately I have been in one of my moods, where everything seems to be a trigger of arousal. The back of a boys neck, the smell of mens cologne, the brush of a hand, it's all a trigger. Boom! I have found myself less willing to be alone. I don't want to be needy and dependant, but I still want affection and physical pleasure. Is that okay?

Am I falling for the tricks of the ego? What if it's my ego that's trying to get me to believe that being alone and abstainging from sex is the only way I will break free?

and i want the life that i really want.

Lately my mind has been bubbling with ideas, dreams, and positive outlooks for the future.

I want to be a passionate and creative force in this universe.

Can you imagine me creating and operating a cluster of businesses?

1, 3, 5, 10, maybe even more.

so i just finished a book by esther and jerry hicks, called " ask and it is given".
it is about the art of consciously creating your life.
i guess simply by me asking if it is possible i have possible offered resistance into my equation.
of course it's possible so i guess the question is how to subtract doubt and resistance from the equation.

by simply doing it? it's probably that simple while at the same time not being quite that simple at all.

i wish and desire to actually experience higher states of awareness.
i desire to watch my life unfold in front of my eyes knowing that i am co-creating it with god.
i desire to obtain the desires of my heart and mind and then share them with those around me in order to show them that it's possible to have the things you desire.

why should it be anti-spiritual to have material and financial weatlh.

we live in an abundant universe so it would make sense that we are here to experience the abundance of the universe.

Namaste!~

i have been wearing myself out physically, mentally, and spiritually.
i really need to find a way to really reconnect with the energy of life.
i hope that i can find my own sense of self before it's to late.

i will change the world.
i just want it to be a positive change
not neutral or negative.


with love

-A